let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
