you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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