What did we do last night that was yellow?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
