I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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