My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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