So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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