Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
