I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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