You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
