i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
