stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
