I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I have peed in a lot of sinks
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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