I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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