the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
