There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
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