Nicole vs. Life
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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