This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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