everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
