She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
whose parrot is this?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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