we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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