I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
