Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I wear drunk well.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
