this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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