I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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