Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Im part way to drunk.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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