I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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