I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
