Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
