my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
