so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
