in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
