I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
