he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
