I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize