You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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