yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize