life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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