Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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