Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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