i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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