good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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