I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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