The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
