The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
