I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
