I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
