I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
