I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
