my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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