I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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