i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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