I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
