He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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