I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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