maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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