she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
