i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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