No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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