She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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