I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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