Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
