I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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