Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
