Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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