i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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