i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize