Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
